It’s been a while since I last blogged that’s mainly because I have been trying to concentrate on getting my life back on track and back to normal since my hospital admission as tbh I have struggled more so with my anxiety and fibromyalgia than ever.
I have been on a phased return to work for 2 weeks now, where I have been going in for a few hours each day, managers have been so great and understanding it’s refreshing to see that within the NHS. At first I thought “phased return to work,nahh I don’t need that” but they all proved me right I needed it now more than ever.I started to feel quite well, energised and positive I wasn’t letting my Fibro win! Get to me and make me feel defeated. NO that’s not me at all. Obviously with the help of my medication I had to try and ride the waves. Obviously since getting back on my feet I started to do my usual tasks, taking my son to football, dealing with the football team, taking my daughter to dance, providing for my family and making sure that i try to lead some kind of life at the same time. I made a vow that I was going to start putting myself first.. would this ever happen! But I have been trying to do more socials and doing more with myself to keep motivated. …. it’s proving to be quite draining. The last few weeks I’ve been suffering with my legs, I can only seem to manage to walk short distances without feeling drained, ankles turned cankles and sore feet, I’m unsure what’s causing this apart from the fact it must be my Fibro! as per!! (I honestly get sick of saying that) but it is what it is I guess. But honestly trying to lead a “normal” life with the kids so that I can continue to make memories with them is actually draining the life out of me but I can’t stop, because when I do there are no memories and at the moment that’s what’s keeping me going the fact that I have 3 beautiful children that need me. When you feel like how a 65 year old would normally feel, it is hard to remain “youthful” and stay fun loving character I once was. Some of the struggles I go through to battle Fibro and try to defeat it is painful and at the end of the night I am knocked off my feet for a few days but why should I allow it to make me feel this way! Why me!? Today for bank holiday? Me and the other half took our kids with the in-laws to water world in stoke, while everyone was off on the slides at first I had so much to consider, the pain I would end up being in? wandering would I be able to cope! Would I have a panic attack while I’m in a dark slide? Would I drown while I’m having a panic attack and what if nobody was there to see me and save me! I was worried about the consequences if I was to smile and be brave and act “normal” but I thought what the heck, you only live once and I did it! Had fun in the pool, when on countless slides with the other half, we had such a laugh and I felt like the 32 year old I am for a change! Kids was happy we was having fun and day I needed for such a long time.
Until being back at home
We stopped off for food on the way home and I could feel that my feet started to burn, I had not brought any medication with me because I wanted to forget that, that was the kind of life I lived. We sat down and when it was time to go I felt like I needed a crane to lift my dead weight off the chair! It was such an effort, then to sit there and drive the rest of the way home just fully depressed me! I found comfort in a pillow behind my back while I was driving , I think this will be a good thing for me going forward anyway. Now I’m finally at home, sat on my bed, rubbing cream on my huge ankles and getting my other half to massage my lower back because it feels broken! My hips haven’t stopped clicking and it’s so hot I doubt I’m going to sleep anytime soon! this thought really daunts me! I hate not being able to sleep! The price you pay for making memories.. all worth it! Goodnight all xx