Pretending to be what society calls “normal”

It’s been a while since I last blogged that’s mainly because I have been trying to concentrate on getting my life back on track and back to normal since my hospital admission as tbh I have struggled more so with my anxiety and fibromyalgia than ever.

I have been on a phased return to work for 2 weeks now, where I have been going in for a few hours each day, managers have been so great and understanding it’s refreshing to see that within the NHS. At first I thought “phased return to work,nahh I don’t need that” but they all proved me right I needed it now more than ever.I started to feel quite well, energised and positive I wasn’t letting my Fibro win! Get to me and make me feel defeated. NO that’s not me at all. Obviously with the help of my medication I had to try and ride the waves. Obviously since getting back on my feet I started to do my usual tasks, taking my son to football, dealing with the football team, taking my daughter to dance, providing for my family and making sure that i try to lead some kind of life at the same time. I made a vow that I was going to start putting myself first.. would this ever happen! But I have been trying to do more socials and doing more with myself to keep motivated. …. it’s proving to be quite draining. The last few weeks I’ve been suffering with my legs, I can only seem to manage to walk short distances without feeling drained, ankles turned cankles and sore feet, I’m unsure what’s causing this apart from the fact it must be my Fibro! as per!! (I honestly get sick of saying that) but it is what it is I guess. But honestly trying to lead a “normal” life with the kids so that I can continue to make memories with them is actually draining the life out of me but I can’t stop, because when I do there are no memories and at the moment that’s what’s keeping me going the fact that I have 3 beautiful children that need me. When you feel like how a 65 year old would normally feel, it is hard to remain “youthful” and stay fun loving character I once was. Some of the struggles I go through to battle Fibro and try to defeat it is painful and at the end of the night I am knocked off my feet for a few days but why should I allow it to make me feel this way! Why me!? Today for bank holiday? Me and the other half took our kids with the in-laws to water world in stoke, while everyone was off on the slides at first I had so much to consider, the pain I would end up being in? wandering would I be able to cope! Would I have a panic attack while I’m in a dark slide? Would I drown while I’m having a panic attack and what if nobody was there to see me and save me! I was worried about the consequences if I was to smile and be brave and act “normal” but I thought what the heck, you only live once and I did it! Had fun in the pool, when on countless slides with the other half, we had such a laugh and I felt like the 32 year old I am for a change! Kids was happy we was having fun and day I needed for such a long time.

Until being back at home

We stopped off for food on the way home and I could feel that my feet started to burn, I had not brought any medication with me because I wanted to forget that, that was the kind of life I lived. We sat down and when it was time to go I felt like I needed a crane to lift my dead weight off the chair! It was such an effort, then to sit there and drive the rest of the way home just fully depressed me! I found comfort in a pillow behind my back while I was driving , I think this will be a good thing for me going forward anyway. Now I’m finally at home, sat on my bed, rubbing cream on my huge ankles and getting my other half to massage my lower back because it feels broken! My hips haven’t stopped clicking and it’s so hot I doubt I’m going to sleep anytime soon! this thought really daunts me! I hate not being able to sleep! The price you pay for making memories.. all worth it! Goodnight all xx

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Back to Reality Day 1

The morning before the dreaded day arrives and as soon as I woke up all I am thinking is oh no! I am back to work tomorrow, am I mentally prepared for this? am I physically prepared? am I actually going to be able to go through with it? well see…

Throughout the day on this awful wet Monday all I can think about is how many hours until bedtime and then how many hours sleep am I going to get until my first of many alarms going off, I am conscious about how many things on the to do list I still had to do. Prior to my hospital admittance I used to religiously iron the clothes every Sunday, but Sunday passed I had 3 weeks worth and I still didn’t feel like I had the head to start ironing, I knew I would leave it until the Monday as I wasn’t back to work until the Tuesday and the kids wasn’t back to school until Tuesday either, but I knew that if I didn’t get the ironing done on Monday it was going to be one hell of a morning on Tuesday, oh well we all like to take risks I guess.

I looked at the ironing pile on the Monday and it actually devastated me that I had left it so long, because now its going to take me 3 weeks to iron all the clothes, ok maybe a slight exaggeration but I think you get the point. I came up with an idea that I would separate the clothes into piles starting youngest to eldest (yes I have issues)  everything has to be in piles. I came up with the most clever idea, I decided that I was going to iron 1 pile a day 🙂 yes it means that I will still have to iron 2 lots of uniforms on the Tuesday morning but that was 1 pile done!! check 🙂

Dinner time passed and I am becoming more conscience about going back to work tomorrow and feeling sightly nervy. I didn’t like these feelings however I tried not to dwell on how I was feeling too much. The kids were not happy that they had to be back in bed for their set times, back to routine, I love it but the kids hate it. So I felt like I battled with the kids all day Monday preparing them for the return to work.

Evening passed, I started to feel quite sick and lethargic and my initial thoughts was I cannot phone my manager and tell her i’m not coming in as much as she’s fantastic and had so much time for me, I think she would be spitting bricks, normally I would have had a shower I couldn’t even do that, my head space was not right, I just couldn’t drag myself of the sofa to shower, don’t judge me lol. I took some medication, prayed and soon went off to sleep.

(Today) Tuesday morning 6:30am first alarm went off, automatically snoozed that, 6:45am second alarm went off defo wasn’t ready to get up at that point and all I was thinking was I need to get up now I need to have a shower and iron 2 lots of uniforms, but no I still continued to snooze my alarms until my 7am alarm went off and I really started to consider waking up, I decided to get up at 7:10, foul mood, feeling sick, feeling shaky, clumsy, jelly fingers, foggy brain, couldn’t think straight apart from coffee, yes I needed coffee and lots of it, 2 cups quickly went down, went and ironed the uniforms, then I realised that all my work clothes were also in the ironing pile so I needed to do that too. I realised I didn’t shower last night so now I have a dilemma, do I quickly shower or not, I decided not to, I wasn’t mentally prepared, these are the issues I face daily, what are easy decisions for most people just isn’t for me. I literally have to mentally prepare myself for any task that I do and if at that moment I am not ready then I will not do it, or I will cancel, this is not something that I have spoken on before, I will blog about mentally preparation and what it means for me soon, I think this is particularly important for my family and friends to read as it will explain my past behaviours.

Decide that I’m about to have a break now because I’ve come to put my work trousers on and I can just about do my button up, I didn’t anticipate that I had put weight on! Thinking do I change! But no time doesn’t allow for that, I put my work shoes on well I try and they feel tight to the point they are pinching my skin, so I pulled my trouser leg up looked at what appears to be cankles!! Great more fluid retention around my ankles, Making my shoes feel tight! Great this is all I need. If I didn’t feel completely shit before I do now!

Looking like absolute dog poo, no make up, hair in scruffy bun as per, I washed, brushed my teeth threw my clothes on and that’s me sorted I’m ready. I’m driving to work feeling quite anxious and rough as anything on time by the way which I am chuffed about, took kids to breakfast club, kissed them and wished them a fabulous day, wishing and thinking maybe if someone done that for me and say those words I would actually have a good day at work, like when people wish you a good day, does that change things, I then made my way to work, listening to radio 1 extra, this is my morning ritual, the morning dj has me in bits, listening to the trash bag, if I had the time I would call in and put quite a few things in the trash bag starting with them people who say in passing smile it could be worst! like how do you know I’ve not just had the worst news possible! I know they probably mean well but I just think it’s quite ignorant! so yeah they need to go in the trash bag along with people who put red sauce in their mash potato, I’m sorry you need to go to. lol

Arrive at work 8:30, swiped my badge, walked in the building, nobody in the reception area even reacted like I have just vanished for the past 5 weeks, maybe I wasn’t even missed, oh well never mind I am overly being a drama queen as usual. I walked in to the room and smells came back like they never left, the smell of the photo copier and paper. it always has the same smell and I came in armed with my blanket, because I suffer when the cold gets to my bones I take my blanket to work with me.

I sat at my desk, thinking what to do now, looking around tapping my pen of the table at quite high-speed, until I realised that my right leg was shaking uncontrollably, gathered my thoughts and pulled myself together, I have been drinking water with a slice of orange and lemon with my vitamin B complex everyday and I have it with my mood pills, because the pills make me feel sleepy and the vitamin B gives me energy so the idea was I wouldn’t feel sleepy because I take the vitamin B at the same time, simple maths 🙂 I tried to think pleasant things and stay positive.

Caught up on my emails, tried to do some work but I wasn’t functioning very well, I felt so anxious  so I decided that I was going home and I will try again tomorrow.

I am not disheartened as I made the first big step by coming out of my rut for the last 5 weeks and made the important step by going back to work on the agreed date, I overcame my anxiety and I drove my kids to school and then to work, I recognised that I was struggling and before I would have stayed and carried on struggling, but as promised before one of my aims was to listen to my body.

This evening I feel much more positive, I had a shower, oiled my hair, creamed my skin and wrote my blog.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Goodnight and God bless xx

How do you relax your brain?

With having such a busy brain sometimes its very hard to switch off at night time, I can feel so exhausted from 6pm I could get into bed for 10pm and I will really struggle to switch off. Its now 01:07 I have been in bed a few hours and no sleep is in sight, these are the kind of nights I dread. Yes I do have sleeping tablets but they are for very last resort if Im not asleep by say 2:30. I time everything.

I have tried many of things to try and help me switch off and relax my brain, here are some things that can work for me.

  • Hot/warm bath with Himalayan Salts

I have tried this many of times and it usually ends up with me fainting and passing out, it appears that my body cannot cope with internal body temperature changes, it makes my blood pressure drop, I tend to become hot and sweaty, lightheaded and dizzy and then thats it I don’t remember anything else until one of my poor children or partner finds me on the floor, which really freaks them out, so I try and steer clear from baths. They would be a good option though as it does make me feel relaxed. As for the salts they are a high recommendation if you don’t suffer with sensitive skin, I suffer with sensitive skin and I cannot use anything perfumed, I was a rebel a few times they do the job but I personally suffer the consequences after, good shout for those with non sensitive skin though.

  •  No TV or mobile phone/electronics an hour before bed

Personally this doesn’t work for me, I give it half hour and if there is still no sign of me going to sleep anytime soon then I usually pick up my phone and start scrolling facebook/Instagram my fibro page and my personal page by the way head over and give me a follow its fibro_inspire to follow the journey and hopefully give you some inspiration. A good way around this in the idea world is to delete and come off social media so that I am not tempted to scroll, but ill be honest my instagram page is like a coping mechanism for me, I like to also read other inspiring and motivational blogs on WordPress while I am in bed, it does tire my eyes, but if I am really struggling with insomnia then as soon as I put the phone down I become wide awake again.

  • Reading

Reading a good book is good for my mind stimulation but is also a very good way to close off and tire your eyes, the concentration and relaxation slowly brings your eyes to a close, sometimes this works it just depends if there are any other factors keeping me awake for example restless leg syndrome.

  • Diet & Hydration

In my experience if I have spent the day drinking fizzy drinks particularly on the evening just before bed this triggers my restless legs and insomnia, fizzy drinks are awful for hydration and the amount of sugars in them tend to keep you energised and awake. I also find that if I eat late at night this triggers my insomnia and I am unable to focus on sleeping, so now I try to avoid eating past 7pm and I drink lots of water with slices of fruit for example slices of orange and lemon.

  • Prayer

I know this is not for everyone, but I spend some time alone every evening, where I gather my thoughts, reflect and pray. I thank the lord for my blessings, for the food that I am lucky enough to eat, the fruit that I am lucky enough to eat, the nutrition I am able to feed my body. I thank the lord for allowing me to wake up another morning with my beautiful family, same time I pray and thank the lord for keeping my family, friends and loved one safe. This time alone with my thoughts relaxes my mind.

  • Evening exercise routine

It may sound exhausting looking at that sub title but it is really not, it doesn’t even require me to get out of bed. I lie down and flat on my back with my body stretched out and starting from my toes tense my way up to my head, so slowly tensing my toes my bottom calfs, my thighs, my bum cheeks, my hips, my stomach, my breasts, my shoulders, my arms and finishing with tensing my fingers tips, I do this a few times and I feel tired.

  • Keeping active

I have figured that when I start the day with my daily zoost, (This is a vitamin B complex that I take every morning with water and slice of lemon and orange to help beat fatigue which I also struggle with) this gives me an energy boost throughout the day which results In me being more active than usual, this keeps me busy but by the time bedtime comes around I feel exhausted and I am ready for sleep.

  • Herbal Remedies/medication 

Something that not everyone will agree with and to be honest its down to personal preference, some people frown upon taking any kind of medication but when you are subject to so much pain and lack of sleep, in the end you will settle for any kind of relief that will work for you. I do have medication that is prescribed from my GP that I take for the fibro pain/restless legs and insomnia throughout the night, the medication that is prescribed is called amytriptiline I take 25mg and this usually works for me. It does come  with side effects like most medications, I wake up feeling sleepy, a bit hungover, like I have had a really good sleep. But all medication effects us all differently. There is no shame in taking prescribed medication like I said its what works for us as relief. I have also got night time Kalms in my drawer too, sometimes these also work for me when I am having trouble with my anxiety levels, they can help to relax your mind and prepare you for sleep. There is a lavender pillow mist that I find quite good also, this can be purchased from any chemist.

  • Intimacy

May sound cliche but if your in a monogamous relationship, get intimate with your partner, sex usually takes your mind of stresses or worries that is consuming your mind, it also tires you and releases tensions that are building, for me personally sleep perfectly well after being intimate with my partner.

I am not claiming to be a medical doctor giving medical advice, I am purely letting you guys in on what works for me and also giving you the opportunity to hopefully share with me what works for you? sharing experiences sometimes helps others without even realising it. So feel free to comment your experiences

What works for you?

Goodnight & Godbless xxx

 

massage-stones-and-candles

 

 

What is Fibromyalgia?

It has been a good week or so since I last blogged, its been up and down for me, mainly up, I have booked 3 holidays in the mean time, 2 for this year and 1 for next April, this is also part of my recovery, I am off to Morocco in August with my partner and researching the country and culture is keeping me occupied. Having said that I have had my down days, today hasn’t been such a good day, I have struggled with my mood dropping, my sense of positivity has dipped, my faith has dwindled away but I will try my best to keep focused…. so something I have been meaning to blog about as many people have contacted me about my condition and have been curious..

So many of you are probably wandering what this Fibro whatchamacallit is that I have been talking about recently, many of you if you are that intrigued has probably googled it by now but for those of you that haven’t I thought I would blog about it to basically raise a bit of awareness as many are in the dark still about this unrecognised invisible illness.

Fibromyalgia is also known as FMS, It is a long term condition that causes widespread pain, it can be non specific meaning you can’t always pin point the area that is affected. It is a rheumatic condition which usually results in stiffness and tenderness within muscles, joints and bones. Rheumatism is a musculoskeletal pain that doesn’t originate from injury, for example fibromyalgia or arthritis. Fibromyalgia is still quite a grey area within the medical society, however it is thought that the name Fibro relates to connective tissues and the algia relates to the pain, it is thought that the cause of widespread pain of fibromyalgia might be inflammation within the connective tissues.

FMS is usually accompanied by many ruthless symptoms, many symptoms resulting in pain in areas you wouldn’t think would be painful. Below are a list of the most common and normal symptoms for most people diagnosed with FMS.

  • Spontaneous pain in various areas
  • usually pain at certain tender points (see pic below)
  • Skin sensitivity
  • Fatigue
  • Insomnia
  • Aggravation to muscles when overused.
  • Migranes
  • forgetfulness aka Brain fog
  • Bruised tender feeling from head to toe
  • Cramps
  • Stiffness
  • constant pins and needles
  • Restless leg syndrome
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • mood disturbances
  • sensitivity to light or noise
  • Bipolor

fibromalgia1

There are of course many of symptoms and fibro affects different people different. We are all affected in various ways, Many have to change their way of life, it beats people and not others, it depends on your strength and mentality I think.

The diagnosis of fibromyalgia is quite a lengthy process, it isn’t straight forward as like I said it is still very much a grey area, First port of call is an appointment with the GP resulting in overload of painkillers and anti inflammatory’s followed up by a blood test. If symptoms still persists months later GP may suggest that it could be rheumatoid arthritis and refer you to see the rheumatoid consultant however rheumatoid arthritis presents with swelling around the joints but fibromyalgia does not tend to be associated with swelling around the joints so is usually ruled out. Fibromyalgia is a clinical diagnosis there is no source of imagery equipment that could detect it or blood tests as the symptoms are so diverse.

If you would like to share stories or feel like you would like someone to talk to about your experiences before approaching your medical professional I would be more than happy to talk to you.

I would like to raise awareness and let people know that not all disabilities are visible and that we too have a right too share our experiences.

My next blog will be focusing on how fibro affects me and how I deal with it.

Goodnight & Godbless

 

 

 

Listen to your body

I am the worlds worst for what I am about to preach about 🙂  people could say ‘You’re a fine one to talk” but truth is I have only just started to practice what I preach.  I always used to do whatever it takes to get the job done, no matter how much pain I was subject to, I used to grin and bear it if you like. I knew what it was doing to my body, I was over stretching, over working and pretty much over doing everything in life. I would never say no and push myself to get the job finished. If someone needed help with something and I was struggling myself I would still push myself, go out of my way to please people, as I have a fear of letting loved ones down, probably my biggest downfall is never putting myself first. Sometimes it was a case of me being too proud to ask for help, the independent woman I am. Never got me far though just aches pains and causes a fibro flare. For those of you that are unfamiliar with this term it basically means that all of my fibromyalgia symptoms come at once and can make me really poorly, causing aches, pains, migraines, the pains could end up that bad that the flare could knock me off my feet for a day or two, which is no good for a full-time working mommy, if it wasn’t for medication and my newly found motivation I wouldn’t be able to get myself out of bed and function everyday. Blogging is helping with my recovery and my state of mind, I’m finding that it is still continuing to motivate me.

This is why it’s always important to listen to your body, when you begin to tire, rest, when you can first start to feel a headache brewing have a lie down, drink plenty of fluids, when you can feel your body start aching, rest, all these are tell-tale signs that you really need to rest and start taking it easy, like I said I never used to listen to my body before my hospital admission, but now I know and I fully understand the damage that not resting causes my body. You have to ask yourself was cleaning the oven at 8 in the evening worth it? was making sure that the ironing pile was finished worth it? Was changing all 4 bed sheets in the same night worth it? was there no family member that could have helped? Could it not have waited until I rested and felt a bit better? All these were questions that I would be too proud to even ask myself. The answer is no it wasn’t worth it and I had to learn the hard way.

Until this evening….

My 2 little ones are still staying with their daddy this week while I recover properly, however with it being holy week at school, they have to take part in an easter bonnet parade, I didn’t think that this would be a challenge for me, I mean who would have thought sitting down making easter bonnets would cause me such great deal of pain?. The little ones daddy asked me to make them as he’s on nights at work so he wouldn’t have the time. So I went to the local shop and brought the stuff and then I sat there for 2 and half hours pushing and pushing myself because I knew that these bonnets had to be done! I have hardly seen my children over the past 2 weeks so I didn’t want to let them down! I remember that feeling at school when everyone else would be taking part in activities and sometimes mum would forget or wouldn’t have the time to sit doing arts and crafts with us due to working 3 jobs, so I knew that feeling well, the embarrassment, the shame, the feeling of being left out! no way would I ever want my children to feel like that! so true to my word I sat there battled my way through the aches, pains and the stiffness and right now I’m worst off! can barely move, legs are stiff, excruciating back pain, stiff neck, painful shoulders, but when I ask myself now was it worth it? YES! of course it was worth it, because now my children can go into school and not feel the odd ones out! I can rest tonight and tomorrow.

The moral of the story is to listen to your body, you will know when it is telling you that you need to rest, it’s a case of using your judgment, anything materialistic can wait for example the housework etc, but when it comes to your children, their emotional wellbeing, their education we are only normal to push ourselves. why not? we would do anything for our children.

The second moral of the story is never to be ashamed to ask for help of family and friends, if they love and care for and value you they will understand your needs and help you out. Pride aside you will benefit in the long run. If your like me and suffer from a chronicle illness then getting as much help and support as possible is vital to recovery and the resting process. Our bodies need to recuperate from a days work, our bodies cannot handle the pressure of everyday duties that the average healthy person can handle. Remember Face every & Rise.

Heres a pic of the final pieces, thought it would be rude not to share after the pain its caused me haha.

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Love, Light & Healing 

God Bless x

Face Everything & Rise

So it seems over the previous few days I have had some strange random anxieties building up, I did put it down to the fact that I was rushed into hospital really poorly and the transition coming home from hospital. But I felt ok yesterday day time, last night I started to get these anxious feelings that would take over my body again, not a clue what was causing it, as far as I was concerned I thought I was slowly getting back to the Nicola I was prior to my hospital admission.

I woke up feeling anxious again this morning, then it dawned on me I haven’t been doing the school run over the past 2 weeks and the thought of walking on the playground was really freaking me out for some strange reason, I’ve been doing the school run the past 8 years why only now was I being freaked out?.

I only have to drive my eldest to school this week, as my 2 younger ones are with their dad this week, so I only have to worry about my eldest, however walking on to the playground this afternoon to pick him up I started to feel all shaky, sweaty, paranoid, I was thinking everybody was staring at me, I felt sick and I wanted to turn around and run back to the car. Safe to say I didn’t I stood on the playground looking at my feet! My feet? really? I have no idea why? Maybe because I felt paranoid that everyone was staring at me so I was avoiding eye contact maybe? the 3 minutes I stood there felt like 3 hours, still I rose above it and faced it.

The second battle was having to do parents evening, I was in 2 minds, considering just walking back to car and not going through with it, as there isn’t just 1, I had to sit through 3. my initial thought was to run, but then I thought hold on, I am stronger than this, I have inspired & motivated other people to continue and battle on through their pain, how can I run? how can be fearful? I held my head up, I took a deep breath and opened the door to the school office, hands felt clammy and I could feel my heart beating ten to the dozen.

I found the first class, sat there reading through my daughters work books, I was looking at the pages but I couldn’t tell you what was in them, I tried my hardest to bring myself back to earth, id roll my eyes try to focus, but I was quickly going out of focus again. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t concentrate, I felt awful, a failure, couldn’t even sit there and read a book. The teacher called me in, started talking about how my daughter is so kind, thoughtful and caring and that she is a pleasure to teach, she brightens up the class room with her jolly self and then I couldn’t tell you what she said after that, everything seemed to just roll in to one. I could hear voices, I could hear her speaking but I didn’t know what she was saying! I knew I needed air, I needed a breather.

Had about 5 minutes before my younger sons appointment time, took myself on a little walk, arguing with myself in my head, I can do this and that I am being ridiculously stupid now. It was time to go over to the next classroom, I sat there started to converse with my elder son about his school work etc and for a moment I forgot that I was anxious. I went in to speak to the teacher regarding my younger son, again a fantastic report, I even engaged in conversation with this teacher, I was asking questions, thankfully I seemed more with it.

Again went over to the last appointment for my eldest son and I had forgotten all about these anxieties that had built up, I am forever telling myself that what I allow is what will continue, so If I allow these feelings to beat me, they will always beat me and I will never win this battle. So again I faced everything and rose above it, just like I tell others.

I particularly feel like I have achieved so much today, yes I had moments where I thought anxiety was going to win, yes I thought at times I was going to run from myself, but I didn’t. I had to get deep with myself on a few occasions to make myself realise that I am stronger than this.

I decided that going home was probably not the best thing to do whilst I was feeling bit off today, so I decided to visit my sister and nephew, she needed the company too, when im with my sister its nothing but laughs and giggles, gossips and chit-chat, again forgetting my own issues and pains for a while, I was able to laugh through the pain.

So how did I get through this?

  • I took deep breaths
  • I took 1 small step in front of the other
  • I slowly spoke to myself in my head, reassuring myself, telling myself that I can do this.
  • Keeping my mind occupied, with conversation.
  • Keep busy
  • I kept well hydrated with water
  • I didn’t give up
  • I kept walking forward
  • I faced everything and rose.

If you was to take note of how to get through anxiety I would say take deep breaths and take 1 small step in front of the other and eventually you will reach your destination no matter how slow you take them steps, you will get there in your own time.

Goodnight & God bless xx

 

Small Steps

Times a healer

The sun is shining, I’m feeling some positive energies in the air, so I thought I would write and hopefully spread some of the positive energies that attracting. It’s true what they say, that times a healer, because when I look back to when I first came out of hospital and I think about how weak and vulnerable I was I couldn’t ever see how I was going to feel normal again. I started asking myself is this my normal? Is this me now for life? Surely not!? Because everyday I would wake up expecting to feel normal again and when I realised I am still weak, still anxious, body still trembling I would feel hugely disappointed.

Each day that has gone by I have been able to stretch myself that little bit further, slowly rebuilding my appetite, starting to feel hungry without having to force feed myself because I know I am going to start feeling sick again. I can feel my legs getting that little bit stronger everyday, I have still been doing my physio on them which has been helping, google can be useful at times, usually google likes to make you believe you’re dying so I’m always dubious about googling some things.

Anxiety has been quite rife over the last few days, which I tried to handle as best as I could, but sometimes it comes over you that quick that you’re not ready to battle it off, you just have to try to keep occupied and keep your mind active, drink lots of water and in my case take a few kalms, always works for me anyway.

So once I battled the case of anxiety I started to become more productive, sorted the huge back log of washing that was building up, ill admit still not quite ready to battle the ironing, but small steps. I managed put the clothes away that could be put away that was a huge achievement for me, but you know what It felt good, it was like I was getting some kind of normality back in my life.

Woke up this morning, actually feeling like I could breathe properly, I didn’t feel sick, I didn’t have a migraine, my legs wasn’t as shaky as they have been. I could think a lot more clearly than I have been able to, so my fibro fog decided to give me a break this time, so I knew that today could quite possibly be a good day, if I allowed it, it’s a case of mind over matter sometimes, maybe I had the strength today to battle it off.

I had a delivery today, the most beautiful bouquet that I’ve ever received, from my phoenix football family, how generous and thoughtful, people are still continuing to overwhelm me with kind thoughts and gestures. The response from my blogs has been amazing, the fact that I have inspired people in a similar position to carry on and battle through when they feel like giving up has really touched me and I am so glad that I decided to open up and try to help and inspire like-minded people.

Had a visit from my uncle and cousin, it’s always nice to see a change of face, change of conversation it makes you forget about yourself and your own issues for a little bit. My son came home from football, little ones went to their dads so I thought right I am going to get dressed today, yes the first time in 2 weeks that I have changed out of my pjs, and I do not feel embarrass to admit that either. 🙂 its how I felt most comfortable but I did think no today I am going to get dressed and an attempt to drive the car to mum’s for dinner.

So the drive went ok, felt good to get behind the wheel again, I was a little bit nervous incase my anxiety started and my legs going like jelly again, but I did it. The past few weeks has been a roller coaster and half. But I can feel the strength coming back slowly everyday and I am proud of myself for how far I have come.

Remember them small steps are vital to recovery.

Thank you & God Bless xx

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Anxiety

Anxiety takes over your whole body like a storm .It’s like battling against the wind to move forward but your still in the same place.

Anxiety is like the tremble of an earthquake that only takes something small to wake it up. Once it’s been waken it’s hard to shake it off, it won’t die down until it wants to, no matter how much you try.

Anxiety makes you feel like you are stuck within your own body. You can’t talk, you can’t eat, you can’t drink, you can’t sleep, you can’t smile, you can’t breathe at times.

Anxiety is like being in a black hole and that moment in time you feel suffocated, shaky and lost.

Anxiety makes you feel like you want to vomit, but there’s nothing left inside of you.

Anxiety is an awful invisible illness that’s hard to detect on someone else.

Anxiety is hard for someone not suffering to understand how this awful illness effects us.

Anxiety has no way to realise that this feeling is unwanted and no matter how hard you battle for it to disappear he takes over your whole body!

Anxiety you ruin the lives of many people.

Anxiety be gone!!

Gestures of Kindnesss

The mornings are a little lighter, the days are getting longer, but it’s still bloody freezing or is that me? The cold is really no good at all for my joints, trying to keep myself warm in the house all day and night without having to re mortgage is an absolute joke! still I’ve been wrapped in my blanket for the past week.

It’s been a week since I’ve been discharged from hospital, this week has gone so quick, I haven’t really achieved much, but then I’m not really worried about that, remember small steps! It has been easier to get out of bed so at least I’m able to do my daughter’s hair and I’m able to wave them of to school.

My legs are getting stronger, the sick anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach is starting to ease of as the days go on. Even though I really struggled with fatigue yesterday and I felt like I couldn’t lift my head of the pillow I knew I had to start somewhere and get my legs motivated, with the pushing and support of my partner I managed to cook last night for the first time, nothing spectacular I made a curry you know one out the jar, but still small steps and all that 😀

I had an early night last night in the hope that I would wake up feeling a little bit more energised, I don’t like to rely on sugar to get energy but I did have to rely on an energy drink to try to get a little bit of a boost, it worked for all of 15 minutes and then I crashed again. Oh well the battle continues…..

This week I have been overwhelmed by the amount of messages I have received of people wishing me a speedy recovery, get well wishes and even messages offering help and support, I really do have the most genuine and thoughtful friends and family around me. I am blessed.

This afternoon I had a lovely surprise, my clinical lead visited me with the most gorgeous flowers and a card of my beautiful colleagues, what a thoughtful kind gesture to take time and effort to come and visit me and show her concern, I was really taken back. We had a lovely chat, it was nice to speak to someone other than my kids and my partner, as much as I enjoy their company it was nice to see a different face, I kind of forgot about my own feelings and symptoms for a little while, I smiled, we shared a giggle or two.

Times like this is when I really think about the people i choose to have in my life, I really am so grateful to all of you amazing people, you are making my recovery process a whole lot better.

Thank you & God Bless xx

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